June 13, 2007
Thirteen Things I’ve Learned From Online Dating
*stumbles in and falls down*
I’m okay! I’m okay! Just let me get a glass of wine…or three, and we’ll get started.
So since I’ve been blogging about the madcap world of online dating elsewhere, I thought I’d do a wrap-up here at LSB….and please when I’m done, feel free to add your own madcap dating adventures.
1. Men Lie. 99.995% of the time they lie. You can tell me all day you’re a widower, that doens’t mean I’ll believe you.
2. Men can’t follow directions, and just not the kind that says, “Turn here.” By damn I ask for a pic for a reason! Send me one. Unless you are completely butt-ugly, chances are I’ll write you.
3. Men think about sex 99.995% of the time. If I say I want to get to know you, that doesn’t mean I want you asking me my favorite sex position three seconds after we get on IM.
4. Men are dogs. See #3.
5. At least 79.643% of the men online trolling for dates are married. No I have no statistical data to back this up, I’m just pulling figures out of my butt.
6.  The internet is a license to be stupid. Men frequently use this license. Emailing me and telling me you want to have sex with me, or what your favorite thing to do to a girl is, or that you can f*ck like a porn star, versus, you know, what you like to do for fun or if you’re a coffee drinker…well I don’t care how long I’ve been celibate. That won’t win you points.
7. Emailing me and telling me I shouldn’t be so picky (since I’m chubby), will make me angry, and then make me laugh, and then make me give my friends your email address (dumbass).  At least I know what I want and I’m not cheating like 96.543% of the people out here looking.
8. If a man doesn’t email you all weekend long or after 5 on weeknights, that’s a pretty good sign he’s married.
9. Younger men really do like chubby older women 
10. You never find anyone in your town to date. (and gas is 3.00 a gallon)
11. Men can’t read. Yes this goes back to following directions, but when I posted that ad for a friend with benefits, I really meant it. I don’t want to get married. So don’t tell me you’re looking for “the one”.
12. A single dad’s schedule will always be the oposite of yours limiting your chances to get together.
13. Nice guys really DO finish first
*bonus….grammar counts. LOL
Ok now it’s your turn. Gimme some madcap dating adventures, or gimme your hot single brother.
Filed under: Humor, Life
17 Comments
June 13th, 2007 at 9:08 am
[...] blog sooooooo since we’ve been chatting about online dating all week, I decided to do an early Thursday Thirteen over there. Posted by Amie • 06.13.07 [...]
June 13th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Oh, Celia! I don’t have any online dating adventures to share, but I wanted to say this made me alternate between laughing out loud and gaping in horror. And then I ran over to the couch and gave my hubby a big hug, just for being grateful I’m not single (and I’m married to a genuinely nice guy).
Thanks for sharing your experiences!
June 13th, 2007 at 9:53 am
That is too funny! Illiterate, sex on the brain dumbasses. It’s nice to hear that there are some good ones out there. Thank you for writing why I haven’t tried online dating.
June 13th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Morning Celia,
Sorry to report I have no madcap dating stories and I don’t have a brother to give ya either. Loved the blog though.
June 13th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
LOL you are all very welcome!!!
I figure as long as I can throw at what life laughs at me…um laugh at what life throws at me, I’m good to go.
June 13th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Aaah this is a great list! I love it
June 13th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
I know a single dad. He is busy. But I’m pretty sure he’d like to carry on a conversation that does not begin with, “Dada, may I hava banana?”
How amusing.
Darr
June 13th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
condolences. are you using a reputable (ie. paid) site? I personally know 3 people who met great guys online. my sister met a an air force medical advisor with a condo in alexandria, he drove a mercedes, was single, no kids… she said there was “no spark” then told me she was tired of scrolling thru 300 profiles to find someone not like you mention. so, yeah, i’ve watched over their shoulders, and it’s a riot. but then, i’m not the one looking… very funny observations.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:36 pm
This is too amusing!!! I did try the online dating thing. I’ll admit it, some of the pictures those guys posted were not the most flattering to them. So, after all this time, what’s more time? I’m shallow and didn’t want to even chat. Some, were, however, nice looking. But, I could tell from the pictures they would post with their “friends” what kind of date they were looking for. And I totally understand the “sex discussion” before you’ve even exchanged personality info is complete turnoff. Somebody’s going to buy me dinner before I’ll talk about that with a stranger!
On the lie front – YES THEY LIE! They post all these preferences that make you think you could maybe “talk” to the person and then their real wants/needs/etc emerge which are completely opposit of their projected reality.
And, I’ll admit, I also have a hang up about age. I want them within 3 years or so. Not so old that they are considered the previous generation, but not a Gen-X’r either. (Not picky or anything, huh?)
I know, I know. Shut the F#&$ up. I really need to get a life!
June 13th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Y’know, you could replace several of these instances of ‘men’ with ‘people’ and you’d still be largely accurate. Well, and maybe replace some of those 99.995s with 80s.
The Internet isn’t a license to be stupid. People who use it as such should have their licenses revoked.
#8 amuses me, because I’m the opposite case (if a man e-mails you only after 8:30 on weeknights and on the weekends, it’s a pretty good sign he’s a single dad).
June 13th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
SHelli I knew you would! LOL
Darragha too bad you live so far away.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Mima my take is anything I can laugh at I can deal with
and yes I’ve tried paid sites as have LYnn and my CP *shrug*
LYnn I think it pays to be picky (and to know what you want!). I’m much pickier about age in relation to older men, than younger.
Dan I bow to your wisdom
June 14th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Oh, and I should probably add that Darragha was talking ’bout me.
(She and my 4-year-old have a history with bananas. Every time he goes to her house, he eats all their bananas. I think it’s almost Pavlovian at this point.)
June 14th, 2007 at 9:00 am
LOL well now I get the banana reference Darragha made earlier! Dan it’s nice to meet you…….and that “can I have a banana” is prerunner for what’s to come. Before you know it, you’ll be hearing, “Can I go to the mall?” and “Can I have money” and “Can I go to so and so’s house.” Yeah it only gets worse.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Dan, I applaud single dads just as much as the single moms out there. There are many of us.
It is nice to have a male perspective on the whole thing though.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
A 100% Free Online Dating, Personal Ads, and Matchmaking Service for Singles, Couples and Swingers. Stop Wasting Money at Other Dating Websites! Find Your Perfect Match Through Free Encounters Online Dating: http://tinyurl.com/5sfou4
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Great post, thanks for the info