JOLT: Session 4 - Menage

[Tina Burns]

Originally Posted by Buck

Buck: Scared, Detroit, right vs. wrong

“Downtown Detroit Station next stop!” the conductor’s voice rang in her ears but only her subconscious heard. It was equal to the yelling from her mother that she had shut out years ago. That continual bombardment of yelling about how nothing she did was right back then, had become the soul purpose of her journey now. Detroit was her intended stop but the long nights travel finally had taken a toll on her anxieties and she had fallen asleep. Her body began tipping into her lap with the braking of the Buses’ wheels. Her eyes opened and she pulled herself back to an upright position. Suddenly she was on her feet, “OH MY GOD! Where are we?” the words escaped her lips before she was completely aware she was talking out loud.

She scanned the bus around her, suddenly embarrassed. Everybody’s eyes were on her. An older gentleman sitting across the isle, holding a cane between he’s knees gestured toward the front of the bus, “Downtown Station, Missy.”

“Oh Thank God! Thank you Mister! Thank you.” The old man nodded as she began shuffling to the front of the bus, dragging her fathers old military duffle bag behind her. She noticed the clock the driver had attached to the dash, 6:33 AM. Her itinerary said she would arrive at 6:35 AM. It was the first thing that was exactly right on her entire trip.


Hours later her hands trembled as she again dropped the coins into the pay phone. “He had better answer this time,” she whispered to her self. “Where the hell is he?” she thought to her self, “he promised he would be here!” ‘Waiting’ he said. A deep sigh escaped her. Nothing was happening as she envisioned it would. The taxi ride to the bus was double, the tickets had cost twenty three dollars more than she had expected. All that remained of her savings was clutched in one hand at the bottom of her pocket. Three one dollar bills and some change.

There was a hollow ring of the phone in her ear. “I am fifteen! Damn it!” Her voice sounded shaky even to herself. The ringing sounded again in the phone. There was no going back now! “This time you will take me serious, Mother!” Her eyes narrowed as hate covered her face.

Again the phone sounded in her ear. Her eyebrow wrinkled in disbelief. “What next? This couldn’t possibly be happening to me!” she choked on the words as tears swelled in her eyes. The phone slid from her hand and her teeth bit her bottom lip. She turned away and tried to remember her father. “How come he wasn’t here?” Her steps were slow and the receiver swung by the cord.

Wow, some emotion in there Buck! Another scene that's probably better expanded, but good job in getting her emotional state across. Nice set up on the bus as well, I liked the analogy.

[Tina Burns]

Originally Posted by Rylee

I had angry, log cabin, ugly duckling

Showing vs Telling is my biggest weakness. I really struggled with this and I'm still not sure I got it, but here goes:



Sarah slammed the ceramic coffee cup down in front of him, spilling its contents, and threatening to crack its exterior. When James had suggested they go away for the weekend to his parent’s cabin, she could barely contain the excitement. An entire weekend of making love, with no one around to disturb them. What should have been three days of pure Heaven was now her personal hell.

“Let me get this straight, James. I’m not pretty enough to be in your stupid magazine, or to be flaunted around town on your arm, but I’m good enough to lie in your bed?” She stared out at the thick gathering of trees. A squirrel sat playing with an acorn in the clearing, oblivious to the discord a few feet from it.

“I didn’t say that, I just said the camera isn’t exactly nice to you. That’s all.”

“Get out! Now!” With a determination so strong it scared her; she marched toward the entrance, kicking everything in her path. Throwing the door open, she motioned with her arm until he got the message.

“But this is my…”

“Out!” Fists clinched at her side, she refused to let him finish.

“I’ll leave. For now. But I’ll be back later.” Sarah flinched when he stepped closer to her. A shiver ran through her as he lowered his head to hers. With his full lips mere inches from hers, lust attempted to betray her anger.

What are you doing? Don’t kiss this jerk. He hides you from the world, not out of fear of anyone else wanting you, but embarrassment. Those thoughts incited her anger once again and as his lips made contact, so did her knee. With his groin.

Well, your hard work paid off. A few small things that would normally be fixed in edits otherwise very clean.
For example:

she motioned with her arm until he got the message.

How did he get the message? Showing that will keep the scene active and add more word count to your story.

Boy, I was pissed for her, and loved the ending. Well done.

[Tina Burns]

Originally Posted by jaimieb

Horror-Paris-Mistaken Identity

This ended up much darker than I'd originally planned. I may have taken the horror part a little too seriously. :-)

“Behold Veronique, who will share the gift of her life.”

Hard ropes lashed her wrists to a pair of splintered poles. Sweet candles set on the cracked marble floor burned in a circle around her naked body.

“I’m not Veronique.” Her brain was screaming, but she could barely hear her own words above the chanting of the brown- robed men beyond the candle ring. “Please, monsieur.” She tried to turn her head toward the disembodied voice behind her. “You have the wrong woman. I’m new to Paris. I only came about the flat downstairs.”

“You have been sent. And you will give us what we need.”

His words reverberated against the carved ceilings and faded empty walls. Brown hoods nodded and low male voices droned on, speaking words that made no sense to her. Every nerve in her body was on fire. Merde. Was she to be a sacrifice? For what heresy? What crime?

One by one she watched the robes fall and puddle on the worn stone. The men’s bodies glistened in the candlelight. Naked. Hard. Their beauty was breathtaking and the jolt of desire she felt sickened her even as she began to lose focus. She tried to struggle, to kick out with her unbound legs but she was too weak and there was nowhere to go.

The first man stepped over the candle ring and waited in silence for his instructions.

“It’s time to begin, ma petit. You will share a part of yourself with each of my brothers. And when you are spent, the last one will destroy the shell of your body.” Her tormentor’s hands glided over her sweat-soaked skin. “How much do you have to give, Veronique? Which one will consume the last of it? Will it be the third? Or the fifth. Perhaps it will take a dozen or more of these men. You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

No. Never. Her heart was leaping in terror, but her brain was shutting down. She couldn’t form the words. The weight of her body pulled on her bonds and her legs would not hold.

“You will give us a gift, my sweet Veronique, and we will give you one in return. The ultimate agony and the ultimate pleasure. It will be exquisite, I promise you.”

What ever her name is she's about to get &^%)*! LOL. I think you got the tone down pat. I want more. Yeah, I like edgy.

[Tina Burns]

Originally Posted by tsukino_aiko

okay I have written and re-written this so many times that I am sick of looking at it, lol, this whole show v. tell thing is a LOT harder then it sounds, and I didn't realize how much practice I needed.

okay my words were: doubt, small town USA, and misunderstanding. I tried but I swear this thing took on a life of it's own

Charity pulled her shiny blue Beetle in next to her father’s run-down pick-up truck. She cut off the engine and sighed heavily. This was a bad idea; she bent down to the seat next to her. I shouldn’t be here; she opened the car door and steeled herself against the coming onslaught. Sure enough, within seconds of exiting the car Charity found herself flat on her back staring at house-sized dog.
“Get off me Buck!” she screamed twisting away from the dog’s tongue. “Dad! Call off this stupid mutt,” she batted at the massive Mastiff -mix but doing so only seemed to encourage his ardor. Gravel crunched next to her head as her father approached her. He reached under Buck and pulled her on to her feet and into a bear hug. “Princess, I have missed you.” He put her on the ground and spun her in a tight circle, “God you’re skinny, don’t them Yankee’s feed you?” He looked at her with a hint disapproval in his eyes, “’Bout damn time you came back.”
Charity pushed away from her father’s frame, “I’m not back Dad, I just need a place to stay for awhile.” Time, time was all she needed. Time away from her scum of an almost ex-husband, time to forget the pain she carried in her heart.
He humphed grumpily, “We’ll see, you go on up to your room girl, it’s all ready for you.” He gathered her bags and shooed her towards the door. “Dinner is at 6, oh and I invited a few people from town over.” She turned quickly to stare at him, catching a flash of mischief in the old man’s eyes. “Dad,” she said warningly, “you promised not to fuss.”
“No fuss princess,” he assured, pushing her further towards the house, “just one or two old friends who wanted to see you.” Charity grimaced at the emphasis he placed on the words old friend, there was only one person her father could be talking about; Ben, her high school flame. She hadn’t seen him in years, not since their final fateful fight.
“Please Dad, please tell me that you didn’t invite who I think you did.” Her father chuckled, “’Bout damn time you two talked again, it’s been 15 years since that fight in high-school. Maybe if things had been different you would have never left home at all, you would be here where you belong.” Charity sighed again, she couldn’t handle Ben tonight, she wasn’t sure she could ever handle him again.

Someone else has been working very hard! Nicely done. You gave us the tone, the place and set up for the conflict.

[Tina Burns]

Originally Posted by debbie_d

I'm a day late but here's my assignment


Anger, Log Cabin, Ugly duckling.


“How dare you,” shouted Lisa. “You knew I wanted to go with him to the dance!”
“As if he would go with you.” Anita checked her reflection in the small mirror over the wash stand in their room. “Besides, no one wants to be seen with a frumpy girl who refuses to wear a dress.”
“I have a dress. I just find it easier to keep the cabin clean while wearing pants. Beside, we don’t live in Boston anymore and there’s no need to wear dresses when working on a ranch.”
Anita turned and sneered at at her older sister sitting on the bed. “Well I don’t plan on staying in this god-forsaken wilderness and living in a log cabin for the rest of my life and Mr. Sorin is my way out.”
Lisa jumped up and glarded down at Anita. “You bitch. You think because you’re the pretty one you can have any man you want. You would try to steal the man I love because you don’t want to live in a log cabin? I’ll see you in hell before I let you do that.”
Lisa walked to the door, head high and proud. She glanced over her shoulder at Anita like a queen addressing her servant. “Prepare for war. I’m not letting you have him.” She turned her back on her sister and glided through the door, closing it with a quiet click.

Nice Debbie. My only nitpick is actually the ending. She's pissed and just declared war on her sister, not sure if she's going to glide through the door and close it softly.

[Tina Burns]

Sorry for the delay gang, I'm pretty sure I got everyone.

I'm beaming like a proud Mama right now, you guys are doing great and I can see improvements in just a few weeks! Just think how you're going to do at the end of the workshops!

[Buck]

Originally Posted by Tina Burns

Wow, some emotion in there Buck! Another scene that's probably better expanded, but good job in getting her emotional state across. Nice set up on the bus as well, I liked the analogy.

Thank-you, Tina, I know that I didnt get the "right vs wrong" played out very well. I have been trying to read my work outloud like you said and it did make a difference in my self editing. also have been asking myself if I'm telling or showing. My only confusion is that I wonder if I expound too much that I will lose the reader or confuse the dirrection. Make sense? I realize that my questions and concerns are probably due to my infant stage of writing. (agg I hate to admit I'm an infant[beginner] writer). ok im back out to work I'll check back late tonight. BTW Deep thanks for your attention and advice.~~Buck

[Hailey Edwards]

Originally Posted by Tina Burns

Hailey, nice job! Watch Jaws much?

Maybe a few million times...

[tsukino_aiko]

Originally Posted by Tina Burns

Someone else has been working very hard! Nicely done. You gave us the tone, the place and set up for the conflict.

you can't see it but I am happy dancing like a fiend and it's really scaring those around me!!!

[Gem Sivad]

Originally Posted by Tina Burns

Watch the telling of the story and it keeps the story/scene more active if you stay chronological. For example, it's now, then it's five days ago, then it's now, then it's earlier in the day.

Thank you.

[debbie_d]

Thanks Tina. I guess I needed to explain her better but I did have a reason for that.

[Virginia Cavanaugh]

Originally Posted by tsukino_aiko

you can't see it but I am happy dancing like a fiend and it's really scaring those around me!!!

Kudos!

[jaimieb]

Originally Posted by Tina Burns

What ever her name is she's about to get &^%)*! LOL. I think you got the tone down pat. I want more. Yeah, I like edgy.

Thanks, Tina! I like the edgy stuff too.